That Glimmer is Gone

I'm an idiot.  Why did I allow myself to get my hopes up?  I guess I just needed something to look forward to or to brighten my day, but I really should have known better.  Last week, one doctor told me I'd be checked for dilation on Monday or Tuesday and as long as it all looked good, I would be sent home.  A second doctor even went as far as to give me an exact date: Wednesday.  However, today that has all changed.  The head doctor here came to see me this morning and he told me that he has no idea when or if I will be going home.  He doesn't want to check for dilation at this time, and he doesn't intend on me going home until my local doctor is aware of the situation.  I understand that, but he already said he won't call her until later on this week.  He also said he's concerned about me having our son at home so I don't think he wants to release me to our house either.  From the sounds of it, if I do get lucky enough to be released soon, it will be back to Trinity.  However, they won't let a pregnant woman travel once she is dilated to a 4 so I'm scared that if they dink around too long about sending me home, I'll be too far dilated and won't be able to be released anyway.  This is so frustrating because I had been so looking forward to getting to the 32 week mark, and now it may not even matter. 

Initially I only wanted to go home and not back to Trinity.  OSF is a much more confident hospital than Trinity is so I was worried that if I went back to the home hospital, I would be put back on the mag (the devil drug) and would have to get a catheter again and would be on the monitor 24/7, all of which would once again be miserable, in pain, and basically incoherent.  But now I wouldn't even mind going back to Trinity.  At least then I would be home in the same vicinity as family and friends; I could deliver Mac with my own doctor and my husband present; if our little guy does have to be in the NICU he would be local; and Adalynn could finally spend the night at her own house every night and I could see her every day, even if it's just for an hour.  All of that would make it worth going back to Trinity.

Our little buddy here isn't helping matters either.  Yesterday afternoon's monitor session was a nightmare.  It took five tries to even locate our active baby and get him to stay put long enough for a good reading in the first place.  Once that was all said and done, I guess I was contracting the entire time (once again, I'm not feeling these contractions except on a rare occasion) so I had to stay on the monitor for longer.  I ended up being on the darn thing for 2.5 hours (normally it's only an hour or less) before they finally decided things had calmed down enough I could come off.  Mac didn't like it either - he was kicking and pushing the thing like he was determined to get it off of him.  I didn't blame him.  So my meds were bumped up and the timing was off the rest of the night, which once again resulted in another sleepless night as I had confused nurses and techs who kept coming in and waking me up for no reason.  It seriously is impossible to sleep in this place, which is ironic when you're in a bed all day long.

Thankfully, today's monitor sessions have both been good.  Who knows what tonight will bring.  I'm looking down at my lopsided belly, patting my little buddy's rump, and thinking he and I may need to devise a plan to break out of this joint.